Milestones - August 2016

(Was supposed to publish this last week)

It’s been a while since my last blog, June 9 to be exact.  If you know me, I’m a milestone kind of guy…milestones have always been important to me…it reminds me of important times and important events in my life, the time with Lori, and with Brandi and my ohana and close friends. 

Last week Tuesday, August 23 was a big milestone for Brandi and the legacy Lori left.  She began her Masters of Social Work degree at University of Hawaii Manoa, it’s a 2 year program.  She’s following in her mom’s footsteps and living out her dreams to help others who need help in a special field – geriatrics (old people..lol).  For Lori, it was early childhood special education.  Brandi’s desire to help the elderly based on what she saw and experienced with my mom, her grandma – and the experiences she saw with how Lori’s life was lived out has broaden her perspective on living out end of life with dignity. 

This is a real exciting time for her and for me..as a proud papa.  So much so that I asked her (actually made her..lol) take this first day of school picture…since everyone else is doing it with their preschool, elementary and high school kids..why not do it with a graduate degree kid..she will always be my little Pi’ilani even when she is 26 years old..lol. 

With us going to Israel in April, celebrating Lori’s 1 year anniversary on May 31, what would have been Lori’s 48^th birthday (June 2) and celebrating my birthday yesterday and Lori’s 15 months anniversary…it’s been a busy 2016.  The last 6 months have been a bit of a struggle for me.  At times loneliness sets in…I don’t have my best friend, my confidant, my critic, my encourager, my lover, my…..I full well know that I can trust God in all things…yet in the physical world, this temporal world we live in, I do not have my helper, my partner that God blessed me with.  So it’s been a huge transition once all the hoopla has settled in and all the help has left.  This feeling comes and goes…it’s not depression, it’s just a missing and trying to figure out what I am to do now on my own…on my own..never thought I would say that ever..on my own…

It’s a new season…it seems like life is a bunch of new seasons…like in the mainland, there is Spring, Summer, Fall and Winter..in Hawaii..we only get Sun and no Sun…lol..

But life is different…it’s filled with ups, downs, high, lows, valleys, peaks….happy – sad…it is never a constant nothing…change is always constant…and if we don’t adapt to change, or make the necessary changes to our lives, our health, our whatevers – we either get super stuck in whatever we stuck in and get frustrated or get left behind in this thing called life. 

I’m definitely in a season of change…still trying to figure out where, what and how…to come out of this transition, this mourning period, this sense of loss – full well knowing that God is in control but yet, trying to get my bearings in everything…work, church, relationships, family…health, everything.

You see, my focus has been on trying to figure it out..when in essence it has been figured out already..but it seems I am resistant to letting go of whatever it is that I am holding onto…is it my sadness, my loss of my wife, is it guilt of something – is it memories that still wake me up at night…what is it that I am missing so much that I cannot see what is right in front of me – the most sovereign God desiring for me to be in awe of Him and in relationship with Him and all those He has placed around me…you see as much as I loved Lori and how much Lori loved me, the love God has for me is way more..way way more. 

In this season, I must continually lean on Him, on His wisdom, His understanding, His love, His grace, His mercy, His plans, His..everything…it’s me and Him and me and others…love God love people. 

As the deer pants for the water brooks, so my soul pants for You, O God. ² My soul thirsts for God, for the living God;  When shall I come and appear before God?  ³ My tears have been my food day and night,  While they say to me all day long, “Where is your God?” ⁴ These things I remember and I pour out my soul within me.  For I used to go along with the throng and lead them in procession to the house of God, with the voice of joy and thanksgiving, a multitude keeping festival. ⁵ Why are you in despair, O my soul? And why have you become disturbed within me? Hope in God, for I shall again praise Him for the help of His presence. ⁶ O my God, my soul is in despair within me; Therefore I remember You from the land of the Jordan and the peaks of Hermon, from Mount Mizar.  ⁷ Deep calls to deep at the sound of Your waterfalls; All Your breakers and Your waves have rolled over me.  ⁸ The Lord will command His lovingkindness in the daytime; and His song will be with me in the night, a prayer to the God of my life.  ⁹ I will say to God my rock, “Why have You forgotten me?  Why do I go mourning because of the oppression of the enemy?”  ¹⁰ As a shattering of my bones, my adversaries revile me, while they say to me all day long, “Where is your God?”  ¹¹ Why are you in despair, O my soul?  And why have you become disturbed within me?  Hope in God, for I shall yet praise Him, the help of my countenance and my God. (Psalm 42:1-11)