27 years ago - 1/13/1990

January 13, 2017

On January 13, 1990, at about 4pm in the afternoon on a Saturday afternoon, Lori and I got married at the ripe age of 21 years old..we would both make 22 a few months later.  Brandi was barely a month old, to be exact 27 days old and at the steps of Honolulu Circuit Court in Kakaako,  in front of Judge Choy, our parents, grandparents, aunties, uncles, cousins and friends we embarked on a ride that will never be forgotten for 25 years and 4 months. 

Lori and I met at University of Hawaii, both coming out of dysfunctional relationships and created our own dysfunctional relationship for the next quarter century..but what relationship isn’t without dysfunction.  We had only met in late 1988 through a mutual friend who Lori thought I was going after…bamp..wrong..I was pursuing her from the first time I met her. 

We went out on our first date to Kam Drive Inn which was supposed to be a group date and only Kris showed up..she was always holding the lantern for us..lol..and from there the rest is history.

Like all of history, there is much good and not so much good.  We struggled as a young couple..it was a volatile relationship, but perseverance was the mainstay.  Brandi was the glue that kept us together for the most part of initial 5-10 years of marriage.  We made it work, regardless of all our shortcomings (more mines than hers..as I had plenty).  Lori was amazing..she raised a daughter, finished her undergraduate degree and her masters and worked and put up with me..the last probably being the hardest..putting up with me. Through multiple career changes and my own legal issues that almost cost me my family, Lori persevered.  She hung on for the family..for Brandi..for me….she never gave up on me.  God was working in us even though we did not know it then, he had a promise and a future for us all. 

Looking at these pictures this morning when  I awoke, seeing how young and naïve we looked on that Saturday afternoon, surrounded by family…I can only be thankful for the 26+ years I had with her. 

I am so thankful for the crazy times we had raising Brandi all by our young selves on Oahu with no family, but choke friends that helped.  I am so thankful for the struggles we went through – relational, financial, physical..all of it.  I am thankful for the times we laughed and cried.  I am thankful for all the trips that we took to Disney Land, Disney World for her work, Las Vegas, Oregon, Denver, Kauai, Hilo, Kona, Maui…all the memories that we made and all the friendships we made together.  I am thankful for all the times we fought and disagreed…in the 26 years of marriage, I don’t regret anything at all.  Even the hard times. 

Lori was smart, beautiful, silly, supportive, defiant, strong, fearless, a great mom, a great sister, a great daughter/grand daughter…and she was Portagee to max.  I look at the picture of her back in Kauai when her Filipino Grandpa passed, Apu…she was silly in her own little way.  I look at our 25^th anniversary party we had, 2 days after she had treatment, she was such a fighter..boy, could she fight…so hard head at times. 

I did a message back in December at our church Aloha Pau’ole…the message point was

Fix – Trust – Pray. 

Fix My eyes on Jesus

Trust in His promises

Pray for His will in my life

When the news of Lori’s battle with cancer hit us in October 2012, I did not know the plan that God had for us..for her, for me.  But what I did know and what Lori made me promise was that we would give God all the glory in whatever the outcome was.  I look at that picture on that day 27 years ago…I see what future and hope of what God had in store for us…a beautiful daughter in Brandi, my ministry calling to be a discipler – a shepherd, a pastor.  I see my wife, next to me – through it all.  Even now, she may not be physically here, but she is in my heart and on my mind.  God’s promises and future for Me, for Brandi, for all those that may read this – is set in His hand and His time and His will.  Enjoy the ride…cause that is what we did. 

I am in a season now..where it’s me and God, me and Brandi and me and all those God has placed in my life.  I am committed to Fixing my eyes on Jesus, Trusting in His promises and praying for His will even in the midst of the physical and emotional void. 

Lori’s favorite scripture in her battle was Joshua 1:9

HAVE I NOT COMMANDED YOU “BE STRONG AND COURAGEOUS”  DO NOT BE AFRAID; DO NOT BE DISCOURAGED, FOR THE LORD YOUR GOD WILL BE WITH YOU WHERE YOU GO. 

She lived that out, to the very end.  Being strong and courageous – doesn’t mean being tough or a bad ass..it means to be able to admit that you need help and ask God for His help and to place people around you for He will always be there. 

Lord, thank You for putting Lori in m y life 28 years ago.  From a crazy, dysfunctional, messed up time in both of our lives, You put us together as a team, as husband and wife and you blessed us with a daughter and you said it was good.  Thank You Lord for the memories, for the victories, for the struggles for everything…You have always been there and when we as a family acknowledged You as our Lord and Savior, you restored so much joy and peace.  Peace beyond our understanding.  Lord, thank You for loving us, for giving us grace, mercy and love.  To You be the glory!!

Lori, I love you!!  I miss you! You will always be in my heart and always on my mind regardless of the future that God has in store for me.  Love you choke!!!

Remember!!

Wow, it’s been almost 3 months since my last posting, August 31. 

Next week, Wednesday, November 30, makes 18 months since Lori graduated to Home with God.  Then on December 26, my mom, Becky, celebrates her 14^th year with God. 

Lori and my mom were oh so similar..people loved them both..I mean choke people.  At both of their services, over 1000 people attended it..they were much loved.  They also put up with a lack of a better description – difficult husbands..lol..speaking of me and my dad…and at times, very spoiled kids (my brother, me and of course Brandi).  But they never complained, they never passed on their responsibilities, they never left anything unturned or took for granted what they had.  They also passed at a very young age, Lori @ 46 years old, 2 days shy of her 47^th birthday and my mom at 56 years young. 

Thanksgiving holidays were special for my mom..and for us as a family. In the 25 years Lori and I were married and for the most part of Brandi’s 13 years before my mom passed in 2002, we spent Thanksgiving week in Hilo.  A couple times in Kauai (saved those trips for either New Years or Christmas or other monthly trips taken by Lori and Brandi)..but for the most part, we spent Thanksgiving on the Big Island.  My mom, would go all out.  She cooked for an army and typically an army showed up. From Thursday lunch till we left on Sunday, family and friends all came to the Nakamoto’s on Kalo Street.  All of the Arquero bunch and the Nakamoto bunch came to my mom’s house.  It was an annual gathering..nobody missed it and all of our family can attest to that.  It was ohana…it was where people met, reconnected, lived out and remembered memories of family lore.  I mean, it was never a boring gathering.  It was the party central of our ohana.  My mom, was like my Grandpa Arquero, she could cook for the masses and she cooked well.  Family members brought some pupus and deserts (especially Aunty Joni deserts), but the main course – the turkey, bone in ham, shoyu chicken with gizzards, stuffing, potatoes, mac-potato salad, and of course her turkey jook was always available and I mean enough to feed at least 60-75 throughout the entire weekend.

So many memories and so many treasured time with my mom.  When she passed, the party ended and to this day, I miss seeing all the family and ohana. 

The biggest memory I have is my mom and Brandi.  You see my mom, when we first told her that Lori and I were having a baby back in 1989, was not happy with the situation.  She had me in a similar fashion, super young, barely 21 (like Lori and I), and as always, parents want better for their kids..not that having a kid at a young age wasn’t better..it was just not what she had hoped for.  I remember when we told her in early Summer 1989 that Lori was pregnant, she did not say one word..she wiped her hands on her cooking apron and went back to cook..I think she actually cried while cooking her Korean chicken…Lori and I went to the room and Lori was like, your mom, “doesn’t like me”..and cried as well.  My mom did not tell anyone she was having a grandbaby till after Brandi was born, but she was there days after Brandi was born to see her.  I know she was not ashamed, she just did not want Lori and I to repeat the patterns of her and my dad..the struggles of a young couple with a child.  It was a different time when they did it in the late 60’s and the same for Lori and I in the early 90’s. 

Yet, my mom was Brandi’s biggest cheerleader, encourager and Grandma of the Century.  Man, those were sure great days…to this day, I miss those Thanksgiving weekends…seeing my Grandpa Nakamoto passed out and snoring on the sofa…me and uncle Poncho or uncle Junior in a snoring contest…and then on Sunday, seeing my mom put up her Christmas tree.  Those memories resonate for me…even more so now than ever before. 

I am so thankful for the 34 years I had with my mom and the 26 years I had with Lori…not long enough but worth every moment.  Life was not easy growing up in Hilo, I had numerous struggles, but the constant was my mom.  Lori and I in our first 13 years struggled within our marriage – but the 1 constant was Lori’s grace and patience with me…2 amazing women in my lives..and now I am blessed to see a young vibrant 27 year old daughter flourish even in the midst of her own struggles and battles.  My mom and Lori laid a great foundation for Brandi…she has much experiences and memories to live off of and has a great future ahead of her..one that was based on a legacy left by mom and by Lori.  I pray every day for Brandi, to know that she is loved by God, by her Grandma Becky and by Lori and by me and all those who have been around us.  I pray that God continues to fill her with hope and a future that will bring glory to Him.  I have been blessed and will continue to be grateful for everyday that I get to live out remembering my mom and my wife. 

Lord, thank You for blessing me with 3 wonderful women in my life and many more.  I pray Lord that Your will and way be in my life and in Brandi’s life.  Lord, may you be glorified in everything that we do in midst of great loss but a future with great hope and assured promises by You.  To You be the glory!!!

Milestones - August 2016

(Was supposed to publish this last week)

It’s been a while since my last blog, June 9 to be exact.  If you know me, I’m a milestone kind of guy…milestones have always been important to me…it reminds me of important times and important events in my life, the time with Lori, and with Brandi and my ohana and close friends. 

Last week Tuesday, August 23 was a big milestone for Brandi and the legacy Lori left.  She began her Masters of Social Work degree at University of Hawaii Manoa, it’s a 2 year program.  She’s following in her mom’s footsteps and living out her dreams to help others who need help in a special field – geriatrics (old people..lol).  For Lori, it was early childhood special education.  Brandi’s desire to help the elderly based on what she saw and experienced with my mom, her grandma – and the experiences she saw with how Lori’s life was lived out has broaden her perspective on living out end of life with dignity. 

This is a real exciting time for her and for me..as a proud papa.  So much so that I asked her (actually made her..lol) take this first day of school picture…since everyone else is doing it with their preschool, elementary and high school kids..why not do it with a graduate degree kid..she will always be my little Pi’ilani even when she is 26 years old..lol. 

With us going to Israel in April, celebrating Lori’s 1 year anniversary on May 31, what would have been Lori’s 48^th birthday (June 2) and celebrating my birthday yesterday and Lori’s 15 months anniversary…it’s been a busy 2016.  The last 6 months have been a bit of a struggle for me.  At times loneliness sets in…I don’t have my best friend, my confidant, my critic, my encourager, my lover, my…..I full well know that I can trust God in all things…yet in the physical world, this temporal world we live in, I do not have my helper, my partner that God blessed me with.  So it’s been a huge transition once all the hoopla has settled in and all the help has left.  This feeling comes and goes…it’s not depression, it’s just a missing and trying to figure out what I am to do now on my own…on my own..never thought I would say that ever..on my own…

It’s a new season…it seems like life is a bunch of new seasons…like in the mainland, there is Spring, Summer, Fall and Winter..in Hawaii..we only get Sun and no Sun…lol..

But life is different…it’s filled with ups, downs, high, lows, valleys, peaks….happy – sad…it is never a constant nothing…change is always constant…and if we don’t adapt to change, or make the necessary changes to our lives, our health, our whatevers – we either get super stuck in whatever we stuck in and get frustrated or get left behind in this thing called life. 

I’m definitely in a season of change…still trying to figure out where, what and how…to come out of this transition, this mourning period, this sense of loss – full well knowing that God is in control but yet, trying to get my bearings in everything…work, church, relationships, family…health, everything.

You see, my focus has been on trying to figure it out..when in essence it has been figured out already..but it seems I am resistant to letting go of whatever it is that I am holding onto…is it my sadness, my loss of my wife, is it guilt of something – is it memories that still wake me up at night…what is it that I am missing so much that I cannot see what is right in front of me – the most sovereign God desiring for me to be in awe of Him and in relationship with Him and all those He has placed around me…you see as much as I loved Lori and how much Lori loved me, the love God has for me is way more..way way more. 

In this season, I must continually lean on Him, on His wisdom, His understanding, His love, His grace, His mercy, His plans, His..everything…it’s me and Him and me and others…love God love people. 

As the deer pants for the water brooks, so my soul pants for You, O God. ² My soul thirsts for God, for the living God;  When shall I come and appear before God?  ³ My tears have been my food day and night,  While they say to me all day long, “Where is your God?” ⁴ These things I remember and I pour out my soul within me.  For I used to go along with the throng and lead them in procession to the house of God, with the voice of joy and thanksgiving, a multitude keeping festival. ⁵ Why are you in despair, O my soul? And why have you become disturbed within me? Hope in God, for I shall again praise Him for the help of His presence. ⁶ O my God, my soul is in despair within me; Therefore I remember You from the land of the Jordan and the peaks of Hermon, from Mount Mizar.  ⁷ Deep calls to deep at the sound of Your waterfalls; All Your breakers and Your waves have rolled over me.  ⁸ The Lord will command His lovingkindness in the daytime; and His song will be with me in the night, a prayer to the God of my life.  ⁹ I will say to God my rock, “Why have You forgotten me?  Why do I go mourning because of the oppression of the enemy?”  ¹⁰ As a shattering of my bones, my adversaries revile me, while they say to me all day long, “Where is your God?”  ¹¹ Why are you in despair, O my soul?  And why have you become disturbed within me?  Hope in God, for I shall yet praise Him, the help of my countenance and my God. (Psalm 42:1-11)